your parents love me but you hate me
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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