I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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