Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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