why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
