I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
