After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
