Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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