I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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