he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
