Yo dont text me then not text me
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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