wanna go halves on a baby?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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