If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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