Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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