just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
