I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
