I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
