Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
