the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
