i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
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I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
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He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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