Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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