I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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