dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
