The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Randomize
