Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
