Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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