I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
