u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
