i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
