Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Randomize
