Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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