Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
