you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
