My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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