im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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