My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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