Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
