my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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