you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
