On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
