K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
