I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
