im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
