Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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