You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
