The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
