I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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