I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
