I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
