i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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