"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Pants are for mortals
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
God I need to hump something, right now.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
