Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
