Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize