i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
