the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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